do you ever yearn? (19.11.25)

im SAAAAAAAAADDDD. sad sad sad sad i feel lonely. not literally, i just saw friends and i slept over at one of my friend's and i had a lovely time but i feel romantically lonely it is eating me up inside AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAa

had my last conversation with my ex a few weeks(? i forget) ago and it felt like the thing that convinced my brain to start yearning for a new relationship again. like up until that point i had been yearning for my past relationship and now im officially fantasizing about a hypothetical prince charming like a little school girl except i'm a 19 year old stinky boy so it's not that endearing

is it exaggeration to say that i feel touch starved? i want to be helddddd im realizing as im writing this i have never been held and that's so fucked up. MORE THAN THAT i want physical intimacy like you wouldn't believe. yknow. like including sexual intimacy but i also want nonsexual physical intimacy and AGGHHHH yearning is so embarrassing. might as well die

but really today i work i was just fantasizing about it and im sooo sick of being a virgin. at the same time i know that i need to have the mythical first time with somebody i at the very least trust and Like. it's not just me being endlessly horny although that is part of it, it's also me wanting to be LOVEDDDDD . im a freak but i also want to be loved.

this is so embarrassing... but i want to be with a guy who's so desperately in love with me. i want to be desired so desperately by someone that like he can't control himself around me is that lame am i lame am i lame am i lame am i pathetic am i lame. dont answer that.

is it really too much to ask? i've never been asked out by anyone romantically who i wasn't already dating and i have dated one person ever and it was long distance Help. i want love so bad its not even funny. its just sad. i want to be gifted flowers i want the gay prince treatment i want to be some guy's prince and be treated with gentleness and all that gay shit.

sometimes i really hate being trans because i want allat but then i think about how no one sees me as a man at all let alone gay men, and the kind of treatment/role i want IS traditionally feminine but i want it in a gay way. i want it in an mlm way. but the chances of being seen as a guy while being treated like that feel so low in my mind.

i guess it is getting better, my friends say my mustache is growing in! i don't really see it myself but they said they can see it and i really hope they're right about it. i want my voice to start changing too. im so impatient with T....

back to the gay stuff, i genuinely desperately want some big lame ass romantic dork to become obsessed with me and buy me flowers and take me out to gay little dates and all that stuff im such a hopeless romantic it hurts fuck my baka yaoi life

on another note, i want to change my hair. and get a piercing. i wanna look like shadow the hedgehog. i'm planning on looking like shadow the hedgehog. if i can get my hands on a red tie and dye my hair black and get the septum piercing i want, i already have a black dress shirt. i can turn into the emo boy of my dreams...

i know all this stuff i write sounds really lameeeeee but i am a lame romantic gay dork who just so happens to be freaky and extremely romantically lonely... i've never been asked out or approached first, i've always approached people (and gotten rejected)

i wonder if something is wrong with me sometimes, but i know i simply am who i am. nothing wrong about that. its just... lonely. and isolating. here between us anonymous reader i'm a little tired of having to deal with my sex drive alone. it gets depressing sometimes, i feel like i go to sleep terribly unsatisfied all the time.

loneliness eats you up inside. its incredible how not having friends as a teenager fucks you up to this degree.

well anyway... everything else is fine. see ya!

dearly,

apollo